In trying to sit and reflect, the image of a dog paddling upstream is how I feel like my mind and soul have been for awhile now. A lot is from the adjustment to two kids, the busyness and trying to keep them quiet while Ryan was working night shift (Don’t Wake Daddy game, anyone?) With all the housework, cooking, nursing (and having reflux issues that took over for quite awhile really consumed a lot of my time as she took forever to start to nurse or cried from problems with that.) I also had this monumental guilt for shorting one kid or the other for various reasons. For one thing, I used to have all this time to focus on Ethan’s special needs like flashcards, open cup practice, and so on. Now its just hard to even have time to play with him. (Oh yea, this baby also doesn’t take long naps-and sometimes had taken NONE despite all kinds of efforts.) It’s gotten better overall lately. Ethan is in a center during the day, so that alleviated some guilt because I knew he was getting his educational and therapy needs, my baby wasn’t constantly in a carseat traveling to and from outpatient therapies two times a day for her brother, and Ethan got attention and playtime. (Once the baby cried from breakfast to lunch time, and I felt bad for Ethan because he just kind of watched TV alone and played around with whatever was in the living room.) I know a lot of this is just par for the course for an older kid and baby, but with Ryan’s work schedule, it was one adult to two kids during the daytime as well as bedtime routines most days for awhile. Lately, with drinking from a cup, Ethan needs assistance because we figured needing assistance with an age appropriate cup that is better for his oral motor skills is better than independently using a bottle which is not age appropriate or good for lessening tongue thrust. That’s something else that takes up more time (but at least I can hold him when I do that. 😉 )
So it seems that “mom guilt” can be present and ugly no matter what the circumstances. Bottle feeding, nursing, full-time working, stay at home, one kids, or two (or more). I think in all the efforts to be a great mom, a great wife you can kind of lose yourself and connection to God if it’s all about what you DO. There are always things left undone as the parents’ work is never done. You try to be all about cleanliness and checking off boxes 100%? Something with the kids will be neglected. If you always feel the need to hover or simply be present dn play with your kids all day-and there might be a time or day for that-but for the most part it’s not necessary or realistic and you will have a nasty house. Sometimes you will feel like you are devoting so much to both cleaning and kids and yet still have times where your house looks like something from Poltergeist-all crazy and helter skelter. The point is, as with any form of insecurity, I will never ever feel better about who I am as a person, mother, or wife if I am trying to make myself feel accomplished on my own. God gives me my identity and making time for praying and reading the Word is always going to be the one thing that will make me feel whole and at peace. I don’t have to look to other people for validation of my hard work (although its nice to hear it from your husband and others-and they do that!) I will know I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing and making a difference in my kids’ lives.