While this is a very happy time, its another one of those things that did not happen the way we thought it would. This baby came unexpectedly after lots of tragedy and disappointment in the form of two miscarriages while we were trying to get pregnant with our second child. The first one (several months prior to seeing the current pregnancy’s positive test) was a very early miscarriage-what is typically referred to as a “chemical pregnancy”-and we only knew we were pregnant for about a day until we realized that one was a failed pregnancy. It was such a high and low within one day and we hadn’t even told anyone yet, so it was like a quick slap in the face. We weren’t even sure if it was a true pregnancy or a rare false positive somehow, but later the doctor said that it was most likely a chemical pregnancy.
LOST BUT NOT FORGOTTEN
The most recent tragic event, however, was the miscarriage that happened at about 7 weeks along. We knew about it for a few weeks and had told our parents, all our siblings, and maybe one or two friends we happened to be around at the time. We bought Ethan a t-shirt about being a big brother to tell my parents about the news. Close to 7 weeks along, I thought it was just some similar bleeding to when I was pregnant with Ethan, but as time went on I knew it wasn’t normal. It was just an awful feeling, calling my parents to watch our 2 year old (Ryan was at work) so I could just lie down and feel and see it all unfold-one of my first nightmares of parenthood from back before I had kids. I really wasn’t sure for a while WHAT was going on and it was the weekend so I couldn’t run up to the doctor or anything and the doctor on call said there’s really nothing to be done except rest and wait to see what is going on.
She said she really didn’t think I was having a miscarriage, but I think she was trying to make me feel better because it really was still up in the air based on my symptoms. My fear was not misplaced, though.
I couldn’t believe after ALL we had been through with Ethan’s surgeries and illnesses and adjustment to our firstborn having Down Syndrome that we had not only one, but two failed pregnancies in a ROW. We started to wonder if something was amiss since I had yet to have any typical pregnancies (while Ethan made it, I don’t consider it a typical pregnancy because he doesn’t have the typical number of chromosomes.) I did the usual panel of blood tests doctors do if someone has had three miscarriages in a row or suspect something unusual. All tests came back normal, and we had no immediate plans to try again. We wanted to have a vacation (with our extended family as planned) as we have yet to have more than a couple of days out of town (if that) since before Ethan was born. We thought we would wait at LEAST six months to try again. We wanted to have some emotional healing, some time alone, some time away, etc. As you know, that’s not how it happened!
SURPRISE! RAINBOW BABY
Just two months after the second miscarriage, I decide to take a pregnancy test since I was late-negative. I waited a few more days and while I was on a walk I just thought something seemed off and I should test again for obvious reasons (Ryan kinda pushed me to, though. I’m really cheap when it comes to pregnancy tests for some reason.) Then bam-with a faint line, but two lines nonetheless, I holler down the stairs to Ryan, “um…there’s a second line.” Not as much the Hallmark moment as the other times we’ve had positive pregnancy tests but when is a surprise and after such stressful and depressing events, who could blame us? We started getting excited over time and tried not to worry. One of THE most rewarding moments of my life was that first ultrasound at 8 weeks when we were told “strong heartbeat, 159 beats per minute..and measuring just like he/she should!” It was on the same ultrasound machine they used to confirm everything had “passed” after the last miscarriage, so going into that room was scary and depressing at first. What an amazing relief it was! We even got to see AND hear the heartbeat, and it was just one of the sweetest sounds I’ve ever heard. It was one of the biggest reliefs of my life, almost up there with being told Ethan’s heart surgery was successful and we could come back and see him.
If you have never heard the term “rainbow baby”, it is what women who have had miscarriages call a successful pregnancy that follows a pregnancy loss. I looked at a forum about miscarriage support on babycenter.com and saw it mentioned and I thought it a very appropriate term. I know, sadly, not everyone will get a “rainbow baby” and maybe not so soon after a miscarriage like we did. I don’t understand why some seem to have it easy while others struggle to get pregnant and still others get pregnant easily just to lose their pregnancies before they can share it with the world. There are so, so many things I just don’t get but I know that doesn’t change that God is good and He has a plan for our lives. While He doesn’t cause all the horrible pain in the world, He does use what we have gone through to a greater purpose (and sometimes things we can find within our own lives). I hope that is what He can do with our story-about miscarriage, about trusting God in all these extreme highs and lows and unexpected twists and turns in our lives. Our experience in having children has certainly been that way! Regardless of the hard times, we have mostly great times lately. We love our sweet 3 year old and all his uniqueness and hard work he puts in to everything. We also already love our little Rainbow Baby Bean on the way very much.