Missing Ethan

These are some poems I wrote when I was horribly saddened by Ethan being sedated and chemically paralyzed while in PICU when he got the flu. I wrote this on the 12th night of Ethan being in the hospital. I think it was also so hard on me because this was his 3rd hospitalization in his first 8 months of life. The first two were from surgeries.

think I’ve written maybe 5 poems ever, and its usually when I’m feeling very sad.

sleeping ethan in PICU

sleeping ethan in PICU

“Child, Wake Up”
Child, wake up
I can’t bear to see your face, unaware and far away.

Wake up-
What fills your dreams?
When I talk, do you understand anything I say?

Wake up.
I miss your laughs, the way you move, the way we play.

Chld, will you show me a sign? How long will I have to wait?
But it’s not you that bothers me-it’s time.
God, when will it speed up?

“A Letter to my Ethan, having a long winter’s nap”

I almost held a pillow today. That’s how much I miss you.
The weight of you in my arms;
your tiny fingers scratching,
scratching,
scratching.

That quiet stillness in your eyes just before a grin
creeps into your face.

The way that smile turns your whole body into one giant, nothing-to-hold-back grin.

Ethan being a ham

Ethan being a ham

And your baby lotion. I smelled it just the other day and cried. Because it just
expresses your sweetness, back to the first day I put it on your skinny legs.

Your little clothes, tiny new shoes
waiting to be tried on.

And you will.
We can’t wait.
We won’t want to put you down for a month!

Love, Mommy

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